Your child might be perfect, but she probably isn’t glitz perfect. With the first annual Little Miss Glitz Pageant just around the corner, here are 10 tips and tricks on how prepare your child for glitz and win over those Judges.
STEP 1: FIT THE DRESS
Want to win? Hire someone to make a custom-made cupcake dress for your child. The Judges can smell money, so the more rhinestones and glitter, the better. If you buy off the rack, you might as well not even show up.
STEP 2: TAN THAT SKIN, HONEY
Beauty is skin deep, and that skin better be bronzed. Spray tan your child until she no longer shines. When in doubt, remember: “If it’s white, it ain’t right.”
STEP 3: PRACTICE MAKES PRINCESS
Even is she doesn’t want to, your child needs to practice. Start 2-3 months before the pageant to make sure she prissy walks in all the right places, holds her cupcake hands firm and remembers to do her pretty feet. Oh, and don’t forget to smile, Smile, SMILE!
STEP 4: BRIBERY
When your child throws a fit and refuses to practice, just give her a little bribe. Toys, treats and iPad time work nicely, but if you’re really running out of options, offering to buy her a puppy always gets results.
STEP 5: HIRE A PAGEANT COACH
Winning a pageant is more than just being pretty, so if you want to snatch that crown, hire a professional to give your child the confidence she needs to win. The best coaches seem to be gay. I don’t make the rules, stereotypes do.
STEP 6: KEEP HER SLIM TO GET THE WIN
Pageants are hard work, and your child will need to be in good physical shape to keep up. Besides, the Judges usually prefer a slender figure. Hide the snacks and start your daughter on a diet plan of tic tacs and laxatives early for the best results.
STEP 7: JACK THAT HAIR UP TO JESUS
The higher the hair, the bigger the crown. If you want to win, pile on the wigs, let loose the hairspray and backcomb likes its the 80’s. Just like divorce settlements, the bigger the better.
STEP 8: MAKE UP OR GIVE UP
There is no such thing as too much make up, especially for a child. Hire a make up artist for the pageant if you have any doubts on your own abilities.
STEP 9: PIXY STIX
When your child is running low on fumes, give her the fuel she needs to pop on stage. Pixy Stix (aka. pageant crack) are the fuel of choice for most Pageant Moms, but when in a pinch, Mountain Dew, coffee, chocolate and Red Bull also works nicely.
Don’t worry, they’re only her baby teeth. Give her a flipper and the Judges won’t even see the cavities.
STEP 10: KEEP AN EYE ON THE CROWN
Anything lower than Ultimate Grand Supreme might as well be called a loser title, so dig deep, remortgage the house and make her shine, baby! Its all worth it to get that crown.
Catch Little Miss Glitz, March 11-26, 2016 at the PAL Studio Theatre (8th Floor – 581 Cardero St, Vancouver, B.C.). Buy your tickets today.